De hectische wereld van derivaten

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Toch blijven de onrustige gevoelens mijn leven beheersen. Wat heb ik straks aan een Ferrari als ik nauwelijks de tijd heb om ervan te genieten? En niet alleen voor mijn nieuwe speeltje heb ik geen tijd, ook voor Kathleen ontbreekt er voldoende tijd en dat zet onze relatie verder onder druk. Ze is een begerenswaardige vrouw die om aandacht schreeuwt. Maar het allerergste is dat ik ook voor mezelf geen tijd meer overhoud. Filosoferen, wat ik zo graag doe, schiet erbij in en zelfs de afleveringen van ‘Made’ gaan aan mijn neus voorbij. In deze vakantie komen alle twijfels samen. Wat heb ik aan geld, macht en aanzien als ik niet aan mijn eigen leven toekom, zo vraag ik me af. Dat is de belangrijkste les die ik meeneem van de twee weken durende vakantie op de parelwitte stranden van Columbus eiland aan de azuurblauwe oceaan. Voor even heb ik me laten onderdompelen in de stille onderwaterwereld, die zo rijk is aan veelkleurige vissen. Als ik duik, de stilte om me heen voel en de pracht van de natuur zie, ben ik pas echt gelukkig. Op het witte strand staar ik naar de azuurblauwe oceaan en overdenk ik mijn leven. Na de vakantie zink ik weg in de dagelijkse sleur van hard werken, risico’s nemen en de stresspieken die me opnieuw naar het randje van de afgrond brengen. Mijn dagen bestaan uit honderden kantoorruimte amsterdam telefoontjes, vergaderingen over nieuwe kredietderivaten en het volgen van de wereldwijde beurskoersen. Dat was het laatste jaar het geval en dat gaat ook de komende dertig jaar het geval zijn, totdat ik eindelijk uitgeblust met pensioen kan gaan. Maar de kans dat ik eerder sneuvel aan een hartaanval is groter. Mijn vader is ook niet ouder geworden dan zesenveertig jaar. Hij is mijn voorbeeld van hoe het vooral niet moet. Op het moment dat ik in een flits mijn toekomstig leven overzie, knapt er iets in mijn hoofd.
Ik wil niet net als mijn vader al jong komen te overlijden. De hectische wereld van derivaten, aandelen, opties en futures leidt me naar de afgrond. Ik wil ontsnappen uit de gouden gevangenis waarin ik verzeild ben geraakt. Het is een wereld, waarin de grote pensioenfondsen en instituten aan de touwtjes trekken ten koste van mijn vrijheid en met kans op een hartaanval. Hoewel ik altijd absurd veel geld heb verdiend, is ook mijn uitgavenpatroon extravagant geweest. Auto’s, vakanties, dure horloges, een grote villa en veel uitjes hebben ervoor gezorgd dat ik weliswaar een flink vermogen bezit, maar niet genoeg om nu al te kunnen stoppen. Mijn verslaving aan risico’s, geld, macht en status maakt dat ik mijn baan niet kan opzeggen en dat ik moet blijven meedoen aan het spel op de beursvloer. Ik heb gevangenismuren van geld, status en macht om me heen gebouwd, die ervoor zorgen dat ik niet meer kan ontsnappen uit de wereld van het grote geld.

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